A little bit of everything including reviews, collections, poetry and the stories of my so-called life.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I'm So Ronery
Just putting this out there, it really SUCKS living so far away from your true friends. Don't get me wrong, I have one friend, one of my closest, living just two doors down and I am SO grateful for that, but aside from her, I do not have one single friend in the state in which I live. I've always been the "quality, not quantity" type when it comes to friends and I have always said that if I can count my true friends one one hand, I'd consider myself very lucky. I can definitely do that and again, I'm very grateful. However, sometimes knowing that someone is just a phone call (or, more likely, as I am not a fan of the phone, a facebook message) away is just not enough. No matter what anyone tells you, there is nothing like hearing your friend's voice and seeing her face as the words fall from her lips. There is nothing that takes the place of shared laughter, especially when it's followed by a big happy smile or, even better, a hug. Aside from my husband, our two cats, and the aforementioned one great friend, I am alone here and I've got to tell you, it sucks. I know that I am at a distinct disadvantage with regard to making friends here. I am not currently working. Hell, I don't volunteer, take a class, or do anything else that would allow me the opportunity to make new friends. The extent of my social life is limited, primarily, to facebook and though I do not underestimate or discount the importance of the deep, true, lasting friendships that facebook has allowed me to find, grow and maintain, again, it's not the same as face to face contact. I want to go out with friends on a shopping trip, to share a meal, to see a movie, you know, all the things that are fun to do with your spouse or alone or with your one close (in distance) girlfriend but are sometimes even more fun with a couple of friends or, dare I say it, a group. Moving back to New York is not the answer, though I do have several friends who live there. I want to have that same experience here in Florida. "Well Kari" you might say, "why don't you get off your ass and do something that might allow you to make friends?" My simple reply is "I'm trying." When you suffer from clinical depression, as I do, can't, for the life of you, find a job, and have pretty much lost your will to do more than maybe brush your teeth and get dressed on any given day, it makes that quite difficult. It's frustrating too because I HAVE amazing friends. I know that if not for the geographic distance, we would spend time together doing all of the fun things that friends do. I am 37 years old. It's really hard putting yourself out there when you already have the friends you want, albeit too far away. It's really hard putting yourself out there, period. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it again. I envy people who live their whole lives in the same place. Though my hometown is not necessarily where I'd have wanted to spend my entire life, there is something to be said for the comforts of home. Florida has never been, and will never be, "home" for me. I don't quite know where home is but I hope someday to find it. I hope someday to feel comfortable enough with myself that these things won't be a problem anymore. I hope. I guess that's something.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Going on a Bit of a Rant Here...
...but seriously, I am MORE than sick of society's "stick-thin" standard of beauty for women. Sure, things are "getting better" (allegedly). After all, women with a little bit of "junk in the trunk" like Kim Kardashian are more than accepted as models of beauty. (Of course, if they don't have the hour-glass figure to go with that bit of booty, the magazines speculate on why they're not thinner.) But come on, enough is enough. Why can't we see more "real" women in the media? I just watched the commercial for Pajama Jeans (which, if you're not acquainted, are basically soft fleece on the inside and stretchy "denim" on the outside). They bragged about having sizes to fit all women, from petite to plus-size, yet there is not a single woman in the ad that is more than, I'd predict, a size 6. There sure as hell aren't any "plus-size" women in this ad. As if there isn't enough to worry about in life, now I need to worry that I'm too fat for Pajama Jeans? Who decides what's "too fat" anyway, a bunch of male executives and size 0 models? Why do we continue to allow those people to control our self-images? Actually, I can only speak for myself. Why do I allow them to control my self-image? Stupid fucking pants. :(
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Good Mornin'...Good Mooooorrrrnin'
Yes, kids, it is currently 2:21 pm EST and I've been up for about 20 minutes. This is the life when you are unemployed, childless and lost in America. Not much reason to stumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen (though I could, perhaps, use Dolly's proverbial "cup of ambition") or to attempt sleep any earlier than 4:00 am-ish when you have no particular reason to get out of bed. While this thought often makes me feel rather poky and melancholy, it doesn't particularly bother me today. Sure, Brian hit me with the fact that we have a few additional bills to pay today that were not expected to arrive so soon, sure I had to dip into my dwindling savings account to get them paid, but the fact is, I'm handling things quite well today, especially for me. Sure there was the sharp intake of breath, the instant fear that is always attached to such occasions, but then, for the first time in a long time, I exhaled. I simply wrote the check, accepted that these things happen in life, despite one's best intentions (or, in this case, my husband's best intentions) and went on with my day. My day is actually going well enough that the lovely Debbie Reynolds' happy voice entered my mind (p.s., my mom woke me up by singing the title of this thread for MANY years and I had NO idea until just last year that the song came from the brilliant film, "Singin' in the Rain" - thanks, Paula!) Imagine that!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
New Leaf Turning?
So, I had a thought. Perhaps the world won't spontaneously combust based simply on the fact that I may express an idea or emotion that isn't as "angsty" as the ones I typically share. This blog doesn't just have to be a den of doom, though I must admit that is the predominant emotional state I find myself in, more often than not. I have a damn good sense of humor, damn it, and quite the taste for quirky and surreal moments. So yeah, I'm thinking that perhaps I will try to post a bit more when I'm actually feeling decent, for a change. Fancy that!
So, on that note, here is the manicure I applied last night. Zoya, a rather independent nail polish company, ran a facebook promo last month which allowed fans, using a promo code provided, to choose three of their polishes (regularly priced at $7.00 each) and receive them for FREE, only paying the $6.95 cost of shipping. I was referred to this site by a friend sometime in November or December, in anticipation of this promotion (they had to have a certain number of fans by a certain date as a condition of their activating the code). During the course of the past month I spent a LOT of time on the Zoya facebook page, viewing pics and reading posts that have taught me a LOT about nail polish. I've picked up techniques and terms that I had never heard of before. I do tend to have a bit of a "hoarding" mentality. I packrat like crazy and when I get into a new hobby, I do it to DEATH, so I'm trying really hard not to let this new-found obsession with nail polish go to the extreme. Not long before the Zoya thing, I threw away almost all of my polishes (they were quite old and I wasn't using them) so I figured this gave me carte blanche to start buying new ones. However, my collection has quickly grown from the about ten polishes I had to at least twenty-five thanks to my six new Zoyas (I got three and Brian got three), several Pure Ice, NYC and Wet n Wild ones I've bought and several gifted to me by the same friend who encouraged me to fan the Zoya page (so sweet, right?) I bought one Sally Hansen last night (I had seen it swatched online and thought it was quite similar to a Zoya polish I have on my wishlist - yes, I actually have a Word file which is my typed up polish wishlist, see what I mean? - and at only $2.00 it seemed a fair compromise) but now I really REALLY need to slow my roll and enjoy the ones I have instead of hoarding more. Number one, I just can't afford to do it. Even 99 cent and $2.00 polishes add up. Number two, it's just not healthy for me. I have countless scrapbooking items, dozens of Sanrio goodies and so much miscellaneous whatnot overwhelming this tiny apartment (not to mention my bedroom at Mom's house. Oh, the Beanie Babies alone.) that I need to nip this in the bud before it becomes typical of me. Nevertheless, about that photo (I haven't forgotten), I'll post it now. I'm having a lot of fun with this new polish thing and thought I'd share a bit of the joy.

If I'm not mistaken in my newly-learned polish terminology, this is a skittled manicure. (Skittling, as I know it, simply means using more than one polish color at a time.) I used one of my new Zoyas, Adina, on my middle finger and pinky (and thumb, though it's not pictured) and alternated with Wet n Wild's Gray's Anatomy on my pointer and ring fingers. Adina was two coats and Gray's was three coats. These colors looked quite similar in the bottle, though Adina looked more purple, but as you can see, on nails they appear quite different. I'll probably end up using the Gray's mostly for layering as I tend to not be a great fan of sheer polishes.
Anywho, look at me, being all light-hearted and fun n' stuff. Bet you didn't think I had it in me. To borrow from Shrek, Kari has many layers, like an onion or a even a parfait.
So, on that note, here is the manicure I applied last night. Zoya, a rather independent nail polish company, ran a facebook promo last month which allowed fans, using a promo code provided, to choose three of their polishes (regularly priced at $7.00 each) and receive them for FREE, only paying the $6.95 cost of shipping. I was referred to this site by a friend sometime in November or December, in anticipation of this promotion (they had to have a certain number of fans by a certain date as a condition of their activating the code). During the course of the past month I spent a LOT of time on the Zoya facebook page, viewing pics and reading posts that have taught me a LOT about nail polish. I've picked up techniques and terms that I had never heard of before. I do tend to have a bit of a "hoarding" mentality. I packrat like crazy and when I get into a new hobby, I do it to DEATH, so I'm trying really hard not to let this new-found obsession with nail polish go to the extreme. Not long before the Zoya thing, I threw away almost all of my polishes (they were quite old and I wasn't using them) so I figured this gave me carte blanche to start buying new ones. However, my collection has quickly grown from the about ten polishes I had to at least twenty-five thanks to my six new Zoyas (I got three and Brian got three), several Pure Ice, NYC and Wet n Wild ones I've bought and several gifted to me by the same friend who encouraged me to fan the Zoya page (so sweet, right?) I bought one Sally Hansen last night (I had seen it swatched online and thought it was quite similar to a Zoya polish I have on my wishlist - yes, I actually have a Word file which is my typed up polish wishlist, see what I mean? - and at only $2.00 it seemed a fair compromise) but now I really REALLY need to slow my roll and enjoy the ones I have instead of hoarding more. Number one, I just can't afford to do it. Even 99 cent and $2.00 polishes add up. Number two, it's just not healthy for me. I have countless scrapbooking items, dozens of Sanrio goodies and so much miscellaneous whatnot overwhelming this tiny apartment (not to mention my bedroom at Mom's house. Oh, the Beanie Babies alone.) that I need to nip this in the bud before it becomes typical of me. Nevertheless, about that photo (I haven't forgotten), I'll post it now. I'm having a lot of fun with this new polish thing and thought I'd share a bit of the joy.
If I'm not mistaken in my newly-learned polish terminology, this is a skittled manicure. (Skittling, as I know it, simply means using more than one polish color at a time.) I used one of my new Zoyas, Adina, on my middle finger and pinky (and thumb, though it's not pictured) and alternated with Wet n Wild's Gray's Anatomy on my pointer and ring fingers. Adina was two coats and Gray's was three coats. These colors looked quite similar in the bottle, though Adina looked more purple, but as you can see, on nails they appear quite different. I'll probably end up using the Gray's mostly for layering as I tend to not be a great fan of sheer polishes.
Anywho, look at me, being all light-hearted and fun n' stuff. Bet you didn't think I had it in me. To borrow from Shrek, Kari has many layers, like an onion or a even a parfait.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Here We Go Again
Wow, Kari can't make a decision, shocker, right? I suppose I'll keep this little ol' blog going. I've been told that people do occasionally give it a glance and if that is the case, I guess that's reason enough to keep writing it, right? I know some people are hesitant to place their private thoughts on display for all the world (or, in my case, a tiny corner of it) to see. Sometimes, I'm one of them. But damn it, I spent far too many years cowering in corners, lost inside a world of fear and shame and I've had enough of that. If being open and honest is something to be ashamed of, consider me the town pariah. To paraphrase a bit, to those about to read on, I salute you.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thinking...That Always Means Trouble
I'm kind of re-thinking this blog thing. It has been helpful for me to get my thoughts down on "paper", so to speak, but I wonder sometimes if I'm just sharing too much with the world. At first I thought that this was going to help people and if that was the case then mission accomplished. Now, however, I'm thinking that I'm just "putting my business out in the streets" and that it's really more than I feel comfortable sharing. Hell, I don't know. Maybe I just need a little break. Damn, if that's not the story of my life. But yeah, a little break is most definitely needed so I will continue to "Kari On"...just a little bit more quietly.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Happy New Year?
Yeah, it's been a while since I last wrote but since no one is really paying attention, I'm not too concerned about it. Since I wrote last, unemployment benefits were extended (thank God) and we know where we'll be until around April. Brian is still busting his ass to find a job (without luck, so far) and I'm still trying to get my head out of my ass to figure out what my next step should be. I have a completed job application for a retail job sitting on my desk. I could have turned it in two weeks ago when I filled it out but I'm not ready to do that yet. Let me make this clear, there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with working in retail if that is your heart's desire but it's really not mine. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt (several, in fact) and I really want something different out of my life. I want the fairy tale, as most of us do, but in lieu of that, I'd like to find a satisfying and fulfilling place in this world. I've got to stop living in the past. I've made so many mistakes, have so many regrets. (By the way, those people who say "I have no regrets" are full of shit.) If I could turn back the clock, I would do SO many things differently; I'd make so many different choices. Yes, everything I've done has lead me to this point and all that happy horseshit (thanks, Aunt Sue, for that expression, by the way) but seriously, if this is where I am meant to be, I'd have found my way here, one way or another, regardless of making different choices five, ten, twenty years ago, or five minutes ago, for that matter. The main regrets at this point are firstly, that I made the choices I did regarding my education. Yes, I have a BA in English, which would probably serve me well if I had wanted to pursue a career in teaching. I suppose it has, perhaps, made me a better writer and reader, perhaps not. I'm quite sure I would have loved reading and writing regardless, as I have since I was old enough to do each of those things. I've had an interest in true crime books/movies/television for a very long time. I find those forensics shows on TruTV or whatever endlessly fascinating. I am also quite meticulous in many ways. This leads me to wonder if I missed my calling as a fingerprint analyst or some such related job. I am also an exceedingly good listener. I genuinely care about people (despite the fact that they fail me on a constant basis) and I truly think I have a loving heart and enough intelligence to offer really good advice (though I am far less adept at following it). Maybe I'm supposed to be a counselor or therapist of some sort. The big thing, the elephant in the room, is that I just don't know. Furthermore, even if I did, I feel like, at 37, my ship has sailed. Brian is so wonderful, so diametrically different from me. He feels like as long as I have breath in my lungs, it's not too late to be or do whatever I wish. The same holds true for my baby fears. My other biggest regret is waiting so long to try to be a mother. Though it's not something we've been actively pursuing lately (wondering how to get the bills paid is not exactly conducive to setting "the mood"), it's on my mind all the time. I'd hate to think that my procrastination, my desire to wait for the "perfect" time, when things would be more "stable", has cost me my chance to be a mother. Yes, the celebs have babies in their late thirties and even their forties, all the time. "Regular" women do too. But honestly, the hot prospect of scheduling an appointment with a gyno to make sure my parts are in working order, waiting months for said appointment (because that's what you do when you're broke) and finding the cash to pay the bill doesn't overjoy me (quelle surprise). Not to mention the fact that if this is my fault somehow, I really don't want to know. I want to believe that when we calm down a little, when things become a little bit more relaxed and spontaneous (albeit somewhat regularly scheduled), things will be okay. Because honestly, I do believe that I deserve good things. I am a good person, damn it, worthy of love and being loved and worthy of having good things happen. I truly believe that...at the moment, anyway.
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