Thursday, July 22, 2010
eh, not so much. i had kind of thought so. oh, who am i kidding, more than kind of. however, as per usual, i was sorely disappointed. let me explain. i had a very strong feeling that i became pregnant not long after my birthday. we're about to get into borderline "tmi" territory now (aw hell, a few toes may even wander across the border) so you might want to look away. my frenemy (because really, what MAN decided to call a woman's menstrual cycle a "friend" anyway?) has been quite regular since the age of 18. when it first arrived (age 12, perhaps. i recall the experience vividly but alas, the exact timing of said arrival escapes me. but i digress.) and for the subsequent 6ish years it was very irregular. it just showed up at the damndest times. so, at age 18 (before i became sexually active but again, that is another story for another day, perhaps) i was urged by my very first gynecologist (oh goody) to take birth control to regulate my period. (there, i said it.) so, ever since, i've been pretty damn regular. so, when my frenemy did not arrive as scheduled in early june i thought, "wow! could it actually be this easy?" when it still didn't arrive a week later or the week after that i "knew" - i was with child. i started focusing more than ever on baby names (something i've thought about pretty much all my life) and when i told the hubby that i was late he started believing it too. as june rolled into july (as it is wont to do) i made a plan. i would wait until july 4th to take what would be my very first pregnancy test (never did really understand the "pass/fail" thing until that very moment). i thought that independence day would be a lovely time to confirm what i was already quite sure of and eagerly awaited what would certainly be a momentous event. so the first came and the second and...WHAM...like that proverbial mack truck, it hit me. my frenemy had arrived, late but most definitely there. i cannot really explain how it made me feel. i can't quite equate it to mourning as one can't really mourn what one never had, can one? however, it was quite devastating nonetheless. i've said it before and i'll say it again, nothing comes easily to me. why i thought this, one of the biggest potential "comings" of my life would be any different, i do not know. my uncharacteristic faith and optimism was so refreshing. i am going to try, REALLY try, to capture that elusive creature once more. however i am now back to my usual state of cautious pessimism. a dear friend told me a story which i will now share with you. (she is a reader of this blog so i hope she doesn't mind me repeating it.) she has told her son all his life that babies start out high above us, each on his or her own little angel cloud, looking down and searching for the perfect parents. when the baby finds the right ones, down he or she comes and the lucky parents find themselves with child. i am not re-telling this as magically as she told it to me but hopefully you get the idea. now this friend is not religious (nor am i but again, another story for another day) but the innocence and beauty of this story has brought great comfort to her son for many years and to her as well and now, to me. i like imagining my son or daughter floating on an angel cloud, glancing down to the earth below, examining every man and woman with a discerning eye, seeking the ones that are meant for him or her. eventually that baby will find us and float on down into our lives. i want SO much to believe it. so yeah, that's where things stand as of today. pessimism is like a warm blanket for me - it just feels so damned comfortable - but i must admit, the payoff for risking optimism could be quite fantastic. i suppose i will just have to reach out for it again sometime. maybe even today.