Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Reading is FUNdamental!

Just for fun and posterity (not everything I post will be dark), here is a list of the books I read in 2011. 41 books, not too shabby, but hoping to do better this year!

Forever Liesl by Charmian Carr
How It Ended by Jay McInerney
A Skating Life by Dorothy Hamill
No Lifeguard on Duty by Janice Dickinson
Hoda by Hota Kotb
After the Fall by Suzanne Somers
Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews (re-read)
Petals on the Wind by V.C. Andrews (re-read)
If There by Thorns by V.C. Andrews (re-read)
The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore
Seeds of Yesterday by V.C. Andrews
I Remember Nothing by Nora Ephron
Garden of Shadows by V.C. Andrews
I’ll Scream Later by Marlee Matlin
Here We Go Again by Betty White
Sweet Valley Confidential by Francine Pascal
Untied by Meredith Baxter
If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won’t) by Betty White
All That is Bitter and Sweet by Ashley Judd
Jeanie Out of the Bottle by Barbara Eden
Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brashares
The End of Everything by Megan E. Abbott
Transition by Chaz Bono
Bossypants by Tina Fey
Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe
A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard
Found by Tatum O’Neal
Happy Chaos by Soleil Moon Frye
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
I Want by Jane Velez-Mitchell
Kiss Me Like a Stranger by Gene Wilder
Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch
Finding It by Valerie Bertinelli
Seriously…I’m Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres
Shockaholic by Carrie Fisher
Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt (re-read)
Dicey’s Song by Cynthia Voigt (re-read)
Roseannearchy by Roseanne Barr

Just when you think you know someone...

I like to think that I'm not easily surprised anymore. I try not to expect much from people, figuring that way, they can't really disappoint me. A great plan in theory but in practice, not so much. My husband has often said to me that just because someone is your friend doesn't mean they're your BEST friend. He's right, of course, but I still invest too much, emotionally, in each and every friendship I make. If someone gets past my initial guard into the "friendship" zone, I tend to trust too much and believe that I am as important to them as they, sometimes quickly, become to me. I lose sight of the fact that not every friend "gets" me. Not every friend can be relied upon to be there through thick and thin. Friendships grow, evolve and sometimes die and I have to learn not to blame myself for that. Some people can't see past their own lives and feelings to appreciate what others must deal with on a daily basis. Some people get so caught up in their own bliss that they either lose compassion for, or just no longer want to be bothered with, people who don't or can't live in their "happy" bubble. I must try to remember that those people must live with themselves and the choices they make, as must I. If people lose their compassion, that's on them, NOT on me, and I must wish them well on their life's journey as I'd hope they'd wish me on mine. Even if they don't, that's got to be okay, too. I have to learn to focus on the people who do love and care about me, warts and all, and NOT the ones who do not. A tough lesson and a painful one, too, but ultimately, if I learn it, I will become stronger and more powerful. As Dr. Seuss once said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Saturday, January 21, 2012

The more things change...

So, it's 1:36 a.m. and I'm lying in bed, wide awake, as per usual, wondering if I am ever destined to escape from the ever-present black cloud above me. It seems impossible that one could be fated to be miserable and hopeless throughout one's entire life, yet here I lie, in the midst of just that situation, for 38 years and counting. Do I realize that other people have crosses to bear? Certainly, I do. Are there other folks in the world who would give their right arm for the basic necessities I currently possess, like a warm bed and a roof, under which, to lie? Of course, I am aware. But sometimes, oftentimes, most times, that is cold comfort. I do not love myself. Hell, I can't even tolerate, let alone like myself, most of the time. The great irony, however, is that I know I am a good person. I try, I really do, to be kind to others. I am loyal and a caring friend to the few true friends I have. I avoid being hurtful or damaging to others if I can possibly help it. Yet despite his, I dwell, more often than not, in a misery that knows no bounds and is seemingly without end and I have no idea why. Is this my fate, to seek happiness and find my search thwarted at every turn? Will I ever find myself not only worthy of joy but actually in it?