Saturday, April 30, 2011
Clearly, I've been neglecting this blog lately in favor of the far more positive Got Polish? I would really love to say that things have improved for Brian and I, that we are both gainfully employed and on our way to financial and emotional recovery. Alas, such is not the case. He will receive his final Tier 4 unemployment check in the next few days and barring another extension, we will have no more money coming in. I can't believe we are still in this situation. My husband is an intelligent, dedicated, passionate, hard-working, college-educated man. He is not someone who "works the system" or wishes for handouts. He wants, more than anything, to be working and whatever standards he may have had about what type of work he'd be willing to do (or wages to accept), they are out the window. He will do anything for anyone. Yet he just cannot catch a break. It's so difficult for me to understand why NOTHING will come through for him. It's not like he's been offered anything and turned it down, the interview calls simply don't come. I'm trying to accept that for every position, there are thousands of people trying to fill it. It's just so disheartening to think that our entire future or, at the very least, present is dependent on "right place, right time" luck. I'm learning to accept that our situation isn't bad because we are bad or less deserving than anyone else. It's just a matter of being lucky and thus far, we haven't been. I am trying, really trying to keep faith that things will be okay for us but honestly, we've been in this situation for a year and a half. If something's got to give, when? If you're reading these words, please send some positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, whatever feels right to you, out into the universe. I know we can't give up but damn if I'm not awfully close to breaking.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Today was a really shitty one. It was the kind of day that really made me wonder why I even bother. Bother with what, you might ask? Any damn thing at all, I reply. I've been told that having a positive outlook and trying to project positive thoughts into the universe helps make good things happen but how do I do that when it goes against EVERYTHING in my nature? Feeling depressed is like breathing. How do you "re-learn" how to breathe? I suppose anything is possible. Brian seems to think that this is something I can do if I work at it hard enough. I'm not saying that he's wrong. Though it's often hard to admit, I don't have all the answers. Hell, I don't even have most of them. I really am trying though. Sometimes, just getting out of bed is a victory for me. It may not seem like much to anybody else but I know how hard I fight just to achieve something resembling emotional stability. I just wish the universe would cooperate, even a little.