Saturday, January 15, 2011
Happy New Year?
Yeah, it's been a while since I last wrote but since no one is really paying attention, I'm not too concerned about it. Since I wrote last, unemployment benefits were extended (thank God) and we know where we'll be until around April. Brian is still busting his ass to find a job (without luck, so far) and I'm still trying to get my head out of my ass to figure out what my next step should be. I have a completed job application for a retail job sitting on my desk. I could have turned it in two weeks ago when I filled it out but I'm not ready to do that yet. Let me make this clear, there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with working in retail if that is your heart's desire but it's really not mine. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt (several, in fact) and I really want something different out of my life. I want the fairy tale, as most of us do, but in lieu of that, I'd like to find a satisfying and fulfilling place in this world. I've got to stop living in the past. I've made so many mistakes, have so many regrets. (By the way, those people who say "I have no regrets" are full of shit.) If I could turn back the clock, I would do SO many things differently; I'd make so many different choices. Yes, everything I've done has lead me to this point and all that happy horseshit (thanks, Aunt Sue, for that expression, by the way) but seriously, if this is where I am meant to be, I'd have found my way here, one way or another, regardless of making different choices five, ten, twenty years ago, or five minutes ago, for that matter. The main regrets at this point are firstly, that I made the choices I did regarding my education. Yes, I have a BA in English, which would probably serve me well if I had wanted to pursue a career in teaching. I suppose it has, perhaps, made me a better writer and reader, perhaps not. I'm quite sure I would have loved reading and writing regardless, as I have since I was old enough to do each of those things. I've had an interest in true crime books/movies/television for a very long time. I find those forensics shows on TruTV or whatever endlessly fascinating. I am also quite meticulous in many ways. This leads me to wonder if I missed my calling as a fingerprint analyst or some such related job. I am also an exceedingly good listener. I genuinely care about people (despite the fact that they fail me on a constant basis) and I truly think I have a loving heart and enough intelligence to offer really good advice (though I am far less adept at following it). Maybe I'm supposed to be a counselor or therapist of some sort. The big thing, the elephant in the room, is that I just don't know. Furthermore, even if I did, I feel like, at 37, my ship has sailed. Brian is so wonderful, so diametrically different from me. He feels like as long as I have breath in my lungs, it's not too late to be or do whatever I wish. The same holds true for my baby fears. My other biggest regret is waiting so long to try to be a mother. Though it's not something we've been actively pursuing lately (wondering how to get the bills paid is not exactly conducive to setting "the mood"), it's on my mind all the time. I'd hate to think that my procrastination, my desire to wait for the "perfect" time, when things would be more "stable", has cost me my chance to be a mother. Yes, the celebs have babies in their late thirties and even their forties, all the time. "Regular" women do too. But honestly, the hot prospect of scheduling an appointment with a gyno to make sure my parts are in working order, waiting months for said appointment (because that's what you do when you're broke) and finding the cash to pay the bill doesn't overjoy me (quelle surprise). Not to mention the fact that if this is my fault somehow, I really don't want to know. I want to believe that when we calm down a little, when things become a little bit more relaxed and spontaneous (albeit somewhat regularly scheduled), things will be okay. Because honestly, I do believe that I deserve good things. I am a good person, damn it, worthy of love and being loved and worthy of having good things happen. I truly believe that...at the moment, anyway.