Saturday, February 12, 2011
I'm So Ronery
Just putting this out there, it really SUCKS living so far away from your true friends. Don't get me wrong, I have one friend, one of my closest, living just two doors down and I am SO grateful for that, but aside from her, I do not have one single friend in the state in which I live. I've always been the "quality, not quantity" type when it comes to friends and I have always said that if I can count my true friends one one hand, I'd consider myself very lucky. I can definitely do that and again, I'm very grateful. However, sometimes knowing that someone is just a phone call (or, more likely, as I am not a fan of the phone, a facebook message) away is just not enough. No matter what anyone tells you, there is nothing like hearing your friend's voice and seeing her face as the words fall from her lips. There is nothing that takes the place of shared laughter, especially when it's followed by a big happy smile or, even better, a hug. Aside from my husband, our two cats, and the aforementioned one great friend, I am alone here and I've got to tell you, it sucks. I know that I am at a distinct disadvantage with regard to making friends here. I am not currently working. Hell, I don't volunteer, take a class, or do anything else that would allow me the opportunity to make new friends. The extent of my social life is limited, primarily, to facebook and though I do not underestimate or discount the importance of the deep, true, lasting friendships that facebook has allowed me to find, grow and maintain, again, it's not the same as face to face contact. I want to go out with friends on a shopping trip, to share a meal, to see a movie, you know, all the things that are fun to do with your spouse or alone or with your one close (in distance) girlfriend but are sometimes even more fun with a couple of friends or, dare I say it, a group. Moving back to New York is not the answer, though I do have several friends who live there. I want to have that same experience here in Florida. "Well Kari" you might say, "why don't you get off your ass and do something that might allow you to make friends?" My simple reply is "I'm trying." When you suffer from clinical depression, as I do, can't, for the life of you, find a job, and have pretty much lost your will to do more than maybe brush your teeth and get dressed on any given day, it makes that quite difficult. It's frustrating too because I HAVE amazing friends. I know that if not for the geographic distance, we would spend time together doing all of the fun things that friends do. I am 37 years old. It's really hard putting yourself out there when you already have the friends you want, albeit too far away. It's really hard putting yourself out there, period. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it again. I envy people who live their whole lives in the same place. Though my hometown is not necessarily where I'd have wanted to spend my entire life, there is something to be said for the comforts of home. Florida has never been, and will never be, "home" for me. I don't quite know where home is but I hope someday to find it. I hope someday to feel comfortable enough with myself that these things won't be a problem anymore. I hope. I guess that's something.