Saturday, May 22, 2010

losing it

you know those days where you really wonder why you even bother? it would be SO nice NOT to have one, for a change. that's really a generalization, not an entirely truthful one, but when one of those days hits you, isn't it amazing how everything else, all the "not bad" days, all the successes, however small, just fade away? it never ceases to amaze me. i don't suppose this is true for everyone. hell, i'm quite certain that this is NOT true for everyone, but it certainly is for me. one step forward, two steps back, all the shitty cliches exist for a reason. i just deleted a facebook friend - not a close friend, more of an acquaintance from high school - for no reason other than the fact that she is successful. she has my dream career, my dream family, my dream home - all the things that are so elusive and so seemingly impossible for me to achieve. she has done NOTHING wrong but i just can't bear to continue witnessing her successes. it is hard enough to get out of bed in the morning. i suppose this makes me a very bitter and small person. i suppose the mere fact i am recording my pettiness for posterity shows just how truly pathetic i am. i would like to think that this action on my part is a step in the right direction. the deleting thing, no, that is just childish - but the recording thing - perhaps this will be a turning point for me. perhaps when i re-read this in the coming days, weeks, months the intense feelings of failure that i'm currently experiencing will be a distant memory. this could be a revelation. maybe this shame is the swift kick in the ass i need to turn my inaction into action - my despair into hope. stranger things have happened.