Nearly Broken

Well, fuck me! I had every intention of blogging every day this month, not for any particular reason other than it was a personal goal I had set for myself. I had set that same goal regarding working out and I've failed there, too. I do have a very good reason for this. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. At this point, I'm not remotely ready to share the reason for that, I'm afraid, but suffice it to say, I am dealing with some enormously difficult things and I am quite terrified.

What I will share is that I am fairly certain that Wednesday will be the day we let Spencer go. He has hardly eaten in several days, a bite of food here and there but not nearly enough to maintain a healthy weight, let alone his tiny weight of roughly six pounds. He is still able to walk around, look at us, drink on occasion but his "soul" is gone. It is almost like watching a zombie, going through the motions, simply running on instinct and memory but with very little to no real cognition left. Our vet will be in on Wednesday and that is the day, barring any remarkable improvement (that, I won't lie, I am wishing to see more than ANYTHING,) that we will let our boy go. There are fleeting moments - he'll rub his head against my leg, hop up onto the computer desk or onto the bed where I'll think, "see, he's still here, he wants to fight." Then I look into his beautiful eyes and wonder if what he's really saying is "Please Mommy. I love you. Let me go." This is the most difficult heart-rending choice I have ever had to make and for someone as reluctant to make decisions as I am, the pressure is overwhelming. This is the one thing I CANNOT fuck up. Brian has come to the same conclusion. We have to do what is best for him and it seems that his quality of life is diminishing daily. He could not mean more to me if he was my flesh and blood child.

So, I may or may not be blogging tomorrow or the next day. I'd like to try as it really is important to me but I just don't know if I will be strong enough. As I implied, there are other things I am dealing with as well and I'll tell you, I know many people say, "God never gives you more than you can handle." To those folks I say, with all due respect, I think that is a crock of shit.