Wednesday, September 19, 2012
In the Moment
I am not the same person I used to be. We're all, ideally, in constant evolution and I suspect that if any human being compared who she was this time last year, a decade ago, when she was a child, to who she is now, there would be an insane amount of change and growth, right? The remarkable thing is that I am not comparing myself to the Kari of long ago. I have changed, grown and, to a large degree, discovered myself in just a few short weeks. For most of my thirty-nine years, I lived in near-constant fear, constantly trying to impress others, to please them. Now I live for myself. That probably sounds selfish and maybe it is but I don't fucking care. I have realized that the extremely corny sentiment that one must love oneself before one can truly love another is actually completely true. I have also learned to value my own judgment above all others. This is HUGE for me. I've always been reluctant to make decisions on my own, figuring that if I left the deciding to someone else and ended up in a bad place, well, I could blame THAT person for my problems. When I think about that now, reflect on all the opportunities I've let pass me by, all the chances untaken, I feel sick. I have wasted SO much time. But not anymore. It might have been a long time coming but I am now going to live for today, trying to embrace each precious moment for the gift that it is, without fear or regret. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be nothing less than honest with others and, more importantly, myself. I will no longer settle for anything less. Some may call me a bitch, some may call me brave. I'm not going to lie and say that those names or descriptions no longer matter BUT they matter a whole lot less than they used to. I feel empowered and so much more confident than ever before. I'm choosing to have only quality people in my life, people whom I respect and I know respect me back. It feels like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders and there is absolutely, positively NO looking back.