One of Those Days

Today is one of those days where I truly feel like I am perched precariously on a balance beam, sanity to my left and complete instability to my right and you can probably guess in which direction I am leaning. Every dog has its day and all that shit, right? Well, I'm still waiting for my day to come. I've been waiting for a year and a half for my day to come. Let's be honest, I've been waiting for thirty-eight years for my day to come. I'm just not sure how much I have left to give. I'm clinically depressed but trying to have a child, so I went off my meds. However, I haven't been able to get pregnant so I could, ostensibly, go back on my meds, yet I can no longer afford to buy them and have no health insurance. The saga continues, the vicious cycle of doom and gloom, and I just don't see an end in sight, now or ever. I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and not give up that last tiny lingering shred of hope that things can change for us but damn if I can wait much longer.

So Neglectful :(

Yep, I've been seriously neglecting this blog lately. Not that I've ever been writing on a regular basis but I've definitely been slacking and that's not good, considering that writing this blog is quite cathartic for me. If you're reading this, it means that you have at least a slight interest in me and the developments in my life so let me put it out there. Brian called unemployment on my birthday and found out that he would be receiving at least an additional six weeks of benefits, possibly as many as twenty, but they couldn't confirm any more than six at that time. So, as relieved as we were to know that we were not going to be thrown out on our proverbial asses for at least another month or so, we resumed the waiting game that has, sadly, become all too familiar for us. We waited and wondered and worried, as per usual, and were fortunate enough to find out several days later that we were, in fact, going to receive the entire twenty weeks. We are trying to be optimistic (which, if you know me at all, is so against my nature) that he will find work before then and he is, as always, applying everywhere and anywhere he can. No hits yet but we're not giving up. Though I still question why the universe feels that we still haven't learned all we should from our experiences of the past year and a half, I want so much to believe that the sun will emerge from the ever-present clouds in the near future. So, there you go. We will remain in Florida for at least the next four to five months, barring any unforeseen circumstances, we will continue to support each other, emotionally, as best we can and we will, ultimately, prevail. Did that sound convincing? ;)

The ABCs of Me

A. AGE:
38 (gasp)

B. Bed Size
queen

C. Chore I hate:
dusting

D. Day
Saturday

E. Essential start of your day:
potty break (what?)

F. Favorite Color:
sky blue

G. Gold or Silver?:
silver

H. Height:
5'7 ish

I. Instruments:
I used to play violin, viola, cello and piano. Now I play none. Sigh.

J. Job Title:
I'd say "domestic goddess" but since I really suck at domesticity and I am currently unemployed, I'll say "lump on the couch"

K. Kids
Yes, please. My clock is, most-definitely, ticking loudly.

L. Live
Sure. It sounds better than dying (most days).

M. Mom's name:
Kathleen

N. Nicknames
Punky, PKNY, Butterfly, Pokie, Kare Bear

O. Overnight stay at hospital:
Never. Does that make me boring? (No, Kari. Lots of other things make you boring.)

P. Pet Peeves:
People who mispronounce simple words. A library is not a fruit (liberry) and you cannot AKS me a question (but you can ASK me anything you'd like).

Q. Quote from a movie:
"A girl who gets all wrapped up in herself makes a pretty small package." - Desert Bloom
"Keep passing the open windows." - The Hotel New Hampshire

R. Right or left handed:
right on

S. Siblings
a younger brother - we're estranged

T. Time you wake up:
noonish, if I'm lucky

U. Underwear:
Yes, please.

V. Vegetable you hate:
Onions, unless they are really REALLY soft and caramelized (and that, in itself, is a BIG step for me)

W. What makes you late?:
mitigating factors like traffic or getting lost - I'm pretty OCD about being on time, if not early

X. Xrays you've had:
dental and lots of others, I'm sure, that I don't recall right now

Y. Yummy foods you can make:
eggs, baked goods

Z. Zoo:
Brevard Zoo is our local one. It has the BEST giraffe exhibit!

One Year and One Week

Sigh. Apparently I have now been blogging for one year and one week and I can't believe how far I haven't come in this past 372 days. I am still unemployed, as is my husband, though not by choice. I am still not pregnant. I am still struggling to make ends meet in my small one bedroom apartment. Not the strides I had hoped to make, needless to say. I really don't know what is keeping me from being happy. Yes, these past few years have been incredibly trying and difficult but I've never been happy. Even when things were, for all intents and purposes, easier in my life, happiness eluded me. I want so badly to stop believing that I am unhappy because that is my destiny. I want to think that happiness is just around the corner; if I just find that one missing piece, I will be a whole and content person. It goes against everything in my nature, of course, but I want so much to think that I am worthy of joy and peace in my life but I'll tell you, it is a constant struggle. I have fleeting moments of hope and I guess that's something but it's not good enough. It never has been, really, but now, more than ever, I don't want to settle for "well, today doesn't completely suck." Here I am, nine days from my 38th birthday, no better off than I was this time last year. Will my life ever get any better, who knows? I sure as hell hope so.

P.S. Since my second blog entry on 4/24/10, I have lost 20 pounds. I guess that's something.

What's New? What's Not?

Clearly, I've been neglecting this blog lately in favor of the far more positive Got Polish? I would really love to say that things have improved for Brian and I, that we are both gainfully employed and on our way to financial and emotional recovery. Alas, such is not the case. He will receive his final Tier 4 unemployment check in the next few days and barring another extension, we will have no more money coming in. I can't believe we are still in this situation. My husband is an intelligent, dedicated, passionate, hard-working, college-educated man. He is not someone who "works the system" or wishes for handouts. He wants, more than anything, to be working and whatever standards he may have had about what type of work he'd be willing to do (or wages to accept), they are out the window. He will do anything for anyone. Yet he just cannot catch a break. It's so difficult for me to understand why NOTHING will come through for him. It's not like he's been offered anything and turned it down, the interview calls simply don't come. I'm trying to accept that for every position, there are thousands of people trying to fill it. It's just so disheartening to think that our entire future or, at the very least, present is dependent on "right place, right time" luck. I'm learning to accept that our situation isn't bad because we are bad or less deserving than anyone else. It's just a matter of being lucky and thus far, we haven't been. I am trying, really trying to keep faith that things will be okay for us but honestly, we've been in this situation for a year and a half. If something's got to give, when? If you're reading these words, please send some positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, whatever feels right to you, out into the universe. I know we can't give up but damn if I'm not awfully close to breaking.

Grrr

Today was a really shitty one. It was the kind of day that really made me wonder why I even bother. Bother with what, you might ask? Any damn thing at all, I reply. I've been told that having a positive outlook and trying to project positive thoughts into the universe helps make good things happen but how do I do that when it goes against EVERYTHING in my nature? Feeling depressed is like breathing. How do you "re-learn" how to breathe? I suppose anything is possible. Brian seems to think that this is something I can do if I work at it hard enough. I'm not saying that he's wrong. Though it's often hard to admit, I don't have all the answers. Hell, I don't even have most of them. I really am trying though. Sometimes, just getting out of bed is a victory for me. It may not seem like much to anybody else but I know how hard I fight just to achieve something resembling emotional stability. I just wish the universe would cooperate, even a little.

The Road to Hell is Paved in Good Intentions

Not sure why I'm even thinking about this now. Not sure why I even give a shit about it but you know me (or you don't but you're getting to), I'm a glutton for punishment. Let me set the scene. A few years ago, I decided to contact one of my former teachers. As you might know (or might imagine), I was an incredibly shy, awkward kid, afraid of my own shadow and TERRIFIED of the rest of the world. I hid behind big glasses, long hair and anything else I could find. Anyway, at some point, this particular teacher came into my life. For some reason, I thought that he could see me. He treated me like I actually mattered, like I was a talented writer (which was my secret wish. I loved to write and prayed that I was good at it). That affirmation was so desperately craved and so deeply appreciated. Of course, even then I wondered if I was placing too much confidence in this person...if he, like everyone else in my life, would fail me. Still, years went on, I felt appreciated, to a degree, by this person, and it was one of the rare light spots in my otherwise dreary existence. Of course, I eventually graduated and that was the end of this person's place in my life. Many years later, I found myself looking up people from my past and I came across a professional contact e-mail for this person. I thought for a moment then took the plunge and wrote a quick note, re-introducing myself, so to speak, wondering if he would even have the slightest recollection of who I was. To my surprise, he did, with startling clarity. We continued to correspond for several months, through frequent notes sent from my end and occasional replies from his. In time, I found myself back in New York for a visit and we decided to arrange a meeting. We went out for drinks and had a lovely conversation. I, naively, thought that I was making a new friend. If you know me at all, you know that I desperately crave kindness, companionship and affection (though not, of course, in a romantic way). I'm a hugger, always have been. I have no qualms about telling people how I feel about them if it's in a positive way. If someone pisses me off or disappoints me, that I sit and wallow in for fear of losing that person altogether (even if, in many cases, it would be to my benefit if I DID lose them). But when it comes to liking or caring for someone, I wear my heart on my sleeve, much to my almost constant detriment. I can't help it, I lost my father way too young, all of my grandparents and, for all intents and purposes, my brother (but that is a story for another day, perhaps). I don't like losing anyone, for any reason. So, back to this teacher. We went out for drinks, talked pleasantly for a while, and ended things on a positive note, with a friendly hug goodbye and the promise (at least, the perceived promise) that we would continue to correspond and continue to grow a new friendship, no longer student and teacher but now two married adults with shared interests. Apparently I assumed entirely too much. I returned home, wrote a few more notes, got a few more replies but quickly got the very distinct impression that he wanted little more to do with me. He indicated, in so many words, that I was expecting too much, that friendships were organically grown and that I was trying to "force" something that wasn't there. My level of openness and honesty was clearly uncomfortable for him and though he didn't outright say "leave me alone," that was the strong implication. So, I did. It was really disappointing, to say the least, and if I were to be completely honest (which I am, often to my detriment), it was rather crushing. I am not initially a trusting soul, I don't know if I ever have been, but once I start to open up and let someone in, I expose my inner being entirely too quickly and make myself the perfect victim, just waiting to be rejected. After the devastating blow, I responded to this person, who suggested that perhaps we might correspond a few times a year, that I would leave him alone completely as that seemed to be his true wish. I kept to my word for about eight or nine months. Then, fool that I am, I once again sent out feelers. I did so in a much more reserved and restrained way than I typically do but nevertheless, my attempt was ignored. Sure, it's possible that his contact information had changed since then. Perhaps the e-mail got lost in cyberspace as they often do. But really, he probably just ignored it as he wants to be left alone, at least by me. Why am I writing about this? Why do I even care about something that ostensibly ended about a year ago? I suspect it has a little to do with the fact that this year will be (if it takes place) my 20th high school reunion and it is conceivable that I might run into this person again. Even more, it is because I am a glutton for punishment and seem to live to torment myself. I'm not sure I used this example before but I liken myself to a puppy in a pet store window. You know the one, the one that presses its nose to the glass, hopping and jumping, making adorable faces, doing everything it can in a desperate attempt to get your attention and be chosen. I am not showy in that way, but inside, that is me. I am always the one desperate to be noticed, chosen, assured that I am, in fact, good enough, worthy, lovable. I don't think that will ever change. I have a fantastic husband, a wonderful mother, amazing friends. They all assure me constantly that I am worthy and loved. Then why is it that what seems to resonate most is when people DON'T deem me worthy or lovable? Why can't I focus on all the good instead of the pieces of bad? I guess that is a question I'll never be able to answer to my own satisfaction. It is, simply, the nature of me. Which reminds me, every day in every way, why I wish I could be somebody else.