One Year and One Week

Sigh. Apparently I have now been blogging for one year and one week and I can't believe how far I haven't come in this past 372 days. I am still unemployed, as is my husband, though not by choice. I am still not pregnant. I am still struggling to make ends meet in my small one bedroom apartment. Not the strides I had hoped to make, needless to say. I really don't know what is keeping me from being happy. Yes, these past few years have been incredibly trying and difficult but I've never been happy. Even when things were, for all intents and purposes, easier in my life, happiness eluded me. I want so badly to stop believing that I am unhappy because that is my destiny. I want to think that happiness is just around the corner; if I just find that one missing piece, I will be a whole and content person. It goes against everything in my nature, of course, but I want so much to think that I am worthy of joy and peace in my life but I'll tell you, it is a constant struggle. I have fleeting moments of hope and I guess that's something but it's not good enough. It never has been, really, but now, more than ever, I don't want to settle for "well, today doesn't completely suck." Here I am, nine days from my 38th birthday, no better off than I was this time last year. Will my life ever get any better, who knows? I sure as hell hope so.

P.S. Since my second blog entry on 4/24/10, I have lost 20 pounds. I guess that's something.