The more things change...

So, it's 1:36 a.m. and I'm lying in bed, wide awake, as per usual, wondering if I am ever destined to escape from the ever-present black cloud above me. It seems impossible that one could be fated to be miserable and hopeless throughout one's entire life, yet here I lie, in the midst of just that situation, for 38 years and counting. Do I realize that other people have crosses to bear? Certainly, I do. Are there other folks in the world who would give their right arm for the basic necessities I currently possess, like a warm bed and a roof, under which, to lie? Of course, I am aware. But sometimes, oftentimes, most times, that is cold comfort. I do not love myself. Hell, I can't even tolerate, let alone like myself, most of the time. The great irony, however, is that I know I am a good person. I try, I really do, to be kind to others. I am loyal and a caring friend to the few true friends I have. I avoid being hurtful or damaging to others if I can possibly help it. Yet despite his, I dwell, more often than not, in a misery that knows no bounds and is seemingly without end and I have no idea why. Is this my fate, to seek happiness and find my search thwarted at every turn? Will I ever find myself not only worthy of joy but actually in it?

One of Those Days

Today is one of those days where I truly feel like I am perched precariously on a balance beam, sanity to my left and complete instability to my right and you can probably guess in which direction I am leaning. Every dog has its day and all that shit, right? Well, I'm still waiting for my day to come. I've been waiting for a year and a half for my day to come. Let's be honest, I've been waiting for thirty-eight years for my day to come. I'm just not sure how much I have left to give. I'm clinically depressed but trying to have a child, so I went off my meds. However, I haven't been able to get pregnant so I could, ostensibly, go back on my meds, yet I can no longer afford to buy them and have no health insurance. The saga continues, the vicious cycle of doom and gloom, and I just don't see an end in sight, now or ever. I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and not give up that last tiny lingering shred of hope that things can change for us but damn if I can wait much longer.

So Neglectful :(

Yep, I've been seriously neglecting this blog lately. Not that I've ever been writing on a regular basis but I've definitely been slacking and that's not good, considering that writing this blog is quite cathartic for me. If you're reading this, it means that you have at least a slight interest in me and the developments in my life so let me put it out there. Brian called unemployment on my birthday and found out that he would be receiving at least an additional six weeks of benefits, possibly as many as twenty, but they couldn't confirm any more than six at that time. So, as relieved as we were to know that we were not going to be thrown out on our proverbial asses for at least another month or so, we resumed the waiting game that has, sadly, become all too familiar for us. We waited and wondered and worried, as per usual, and were fortunate enough to find out several days later that we were, in fact, going to receive the entire twenty weeks. We are trying to be optimistic (which, if you know me at all, is so against my nature) that he will find work before then and he is, as always, applying everywhere and anywhere he can. No hits yet but we're not giving up. Though I still question why the universe feels that we still haven't learned all we should from our experiences of the past year and a half, I want so much to believe that the sun will emerge from the ever-present clouds in the near future. So, there you go. We will remain in Florida for at least the next four to five months, barring any unforeseen circumstances, we will continue to support each other, emotionally, as best we can and we will, ultimately, prevail. Did that sound convincing? ;)

The ABCs of Me

A. AGE:
38 (gasp)

B. Bed Size
queen

C. Chore I hate:
dusting

D. Day
Saturday

E. Essential start of your day:
potty break (what?)

F. Favorite Color:
sky blue

G. Gold or Silver?:
silver

H. Height:
5'7 ish

I. Instruments:
I used to play violin, viola, cello and piano. Now I play none. Sigh.

J. Job Title:
I'd say "domestic goddess" but since I really suck at domesticity and I am currently unemployed, I'll say "lump on the couch"

K. Kids
Yes, please. My clock is, most-definitely, ticking loudly.

L. Live
Sure. It sounds better than dying (most days).

M. Mom's name:
Kathleen

N. Nicknames
Punky, PKNY, Butterfly, Pokie, Kare Bear

O. Overnight stay at hospital:
Never. Does that make me boring? (No, Kari. Lots of other things make you boring.)

P. Pet Peeves:
People who mispronounce simple words. A library is not a fruit (liberry) and you cannot AKS me a question (but you can ASK me anything you'd like).

Q. Quote from a movie:
"A girl who gets all wrapped up in herself makes a pretty small package." - Desert Bloom
"Keep passing the open windows." - The Hotel New Hampshire

R. Right or left handed:
right on

S. Siblings
a younger brother - we're estranged

T. Time you wake up:
noonish, if I'm lucky

U. Underwear:
Yes, please.

V. Vegetable you hate:
Onions, unless they are really REALLY soft and caramelized (and that, in itself, is a BIG step for me)

W. What makes you late?:
mitigating factors like traffic or getting lost - I'm pretty OCD about being on time, if not early

X. Xrays you've had:
dental and lots of others, I'm sure, that I don't recall right now

Y. Yummy foods you can make:
eggs, baked goods

Z. Zoo:
Brevard Zoo is our local one. It has the BEST giraffe exhibit!

One Year and One Week

Sigh. Apparently I have now been blogging for one year and one week and I can't believe how far I haven't come in this past 372 days. I am still unemployed, as is my husband, though not by choice. I am still not pregnant. I am still struggling to make ends meet in my small one bedroom apartment. Not the strides I had hoped to make, needless to say. I really don't know what is keeping me from being happy. Yes, these past few years have been incredibly trying and difficult but I've never been happy. Even when things were, for all intents and purposes, easier in my life, happiness eluded me. I want so badly to stop believing that I am unhappy because that is my destiny. I want to think that happiness is just around the corner; if I just find that one missing piece, I will be a whole and content person. It goes against everything in my nature, of course, but I want so much to think that I am worthy of joy and peace in my life but I'll tell you, it is a constant struggle. I have fleeting moments of hope and I guess that's something but it's not good enough. It never has been, really, but now, more than ever, I don't want to settle for "well, today doesn't completely suck." Here I am, nine days from my 38th birthday, no better off than I was this time last year. Will my life ever get any better, who knows? I sure as hell hope so.

P.S. Since my second blog entry on 4/24/10, I have lost 20 pounds. I guess that's something.

What's New? What's Not?

Clearly, I've been neglecting this blog lately in favor of the far more positive Got Polish? I would really love to say that things have improved for Brian and I, that we are both gainfully employed and on our way to financial and emotional recovery. Alas, such is not the case. He will receive his final Tier 4 unemployment check in the next few days and barring another extension, we will have no more money coming in. I can't believe we are still in this situation. My husband is an intelligent, dedicated, passionate, hard-working, college-educated man. He is not someone who "works the system" or wishes for handouts. He wants, more than anything, to be working and whatever standards he may have had about what type of work he'd be willing to do (or wages to accept), they are out the window. He will do anything for anyone. Yet he just cannot catch a break. It's so difficult for me to understand why NOTHING will come through for him. It's not like he's been offered anything and turned it down, the interview calls simply don't come. I'm trying to accept that for every position, there are thousands of people trying to fill it. It's just so disheartening to think that our entire future or, at the very least, present is dependent on "right place, right time" luck. I'm learning to accept that our situation isn't bad because we are bad or less deserving than anyone else. It's just a matter of being lucky and thus far, we haven't been. I am trying, really trying to keep faith that things will be okay for us but honestly, we've been in this situation for a year and a half. If something's got to give, when? If you're reading these words, please send some positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, whatever feels right to you, out into the universe. I know we can't give up but damn if I'm not awfully close to breaking.

Grrr

Today was a really shitty one. It was the kind of day that really made me wonder why I even bother. Bother with what, you might ask? Any damn thing at all, I reply. I've been told that having a positive outlook and trying to project positive thoughts into the universe helps make good things happen but how do I do that when it goes against EVERYTHING in my nature? Feeling depressed is like breathing. How do you "re-learn" how to breathe? I suppose anything is possible. Brian seems to think that this is something I can do if I work at it hard enough. I'm not saying that he's wrong. Though it's often hard to admit, I don't have all the answers. Hell, I don't even have most of them. I really am trying though. Sometimes, just getting out of bed is a victory for me. It may not seem like much to anybody else but I know how hard I fight just to achieve something resembling emotional stability. I just wish the universe would cooperate, even a little.