Friday, December 6, 2013

No Shame

Because I am desperately trying to live above and beyond the shame spiral in which I have dwelled for most of my life, I am about to share something with all of you.  I am deeply disappointed in myself (which, I suppose, isn't much different being ashamed but I'll allow myself this, for now).  I really truly HATE quantifying weight based on a number on a scale but, such is life, and I'm going to do it.  I currently weigh 175 pounds.  Thud.  I am 5'6" (and, depending on the day, I'm told, 1/2, so I'll grant myself that as well).  If I felt good, was healthy and fit clothes well at 175, I truly believe I'd be okay with it.  But I, most definitely, do not.  I not only look but FEEL overweight, for me.

I have gained at least 10 pounds since being back in New York, if not 15, and I am not pleased about it.  I literally just tried on every pair of pants I own and put each pair that doesn't currently fit in my hall closet, which is good, in a way.  I fully believe that I WILL fit into them again.  I am not just going to sit around and bitch and moan and drown my sorrows in chips and chocolate the way I usually do.  (Gee, sensing a pattern here?  I sure am.) I despise exercise but I will figure out something I can tolerate, even if it's walking the chilly Long Island winter streets.

That is the key here.  I am going to change something I can.  Everyone, every last one of us, can put the Serenity Prayer into action in our daily lives and damn it, that is what I intend to do.  It startles me how relevant those words are to each human being on the planet, whether one is in recovery of some sort or not.

So, despite my gloomy beginning, I want to end this post on an uplifting note.  I CAN and WILL change my weight.  I WILL fit into those pants again, if not a smaller size.  I am not going to beat myself up about this (more than the little bit I already have, taunting myself aloud as each pair of pants went into the hall closet).  I am going to CHANGE.

I feel lighter already.

8 comments:

  1. You have more willpower than I! Keep the positive attitude, a good weight is all about feeling healthy because the numbers on the scales mean different things for different people's bodies. The best of luck getting where you want to be <3 I know you can do it xx

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    1. Thanks, love. Believe me, this was my mood today, it may change tomorrow, but I'm really going to try to remain positive. <3

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  2. We will sing THAT song after we have both achieved our weight goals! Love you!

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    1. Absolutely! (And yes, I typed the other word in the middle and deleted it, just for you.) ;) Love you, too!

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  3. hmmm, just typed out a comment and hit publish but I don't see it. So here I go again.

    I'm in a similar boat, yet I've gained over 30 lbs. I'm uncomfortable, I don't like feeling like this. I'm making yet another attempt to lose this weight because of that, not because of what the scale says. Sure, I've got a ton of clothing in my older, smaller size. And I would love to be able to get into it again, but if I can't I'll have to learn to deal with it. I know you can do this and so can I !

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    1. That's the spirit! I try (and usually fail) not to let the scale have much influence, if any. Honestly, it's primarily about my clothes not fitting, even ones I just bought a few months ago. I am going to try not to beat myself up and to make small changes that I can stick with. I definitely don't believe in "dieting" unless one wants only temporary weight-loss. I know how strong you are, you can do it!

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  4. Kari, I am a lanky 5 ft. 1 (bahahaha, see what I did there??) and am a very tiny and petite 199 lbs. ;-) I hope to lose too, but am not even going to attempt it during the holidays. At my highest I was 250+, so I know I'm a bit better than I once was, but it's been many years since I lost that.

    I will say that I am under tremendous physical, mental and emotional stress, so I'm going to cut myself a damn BREAK and focus on attempting to be nice to myself.

    The last several months I've really had a major mental change and I'm just in a "I don't give a shit" mode. I'm not trying to impress anyone, have NO interest in dating or trying to find someone, so only people that matter are myself and my kids.

    And they love me!! (Imagine that!!) They don't say, "Mom, I love you, but I'd love you more if you lost 80 lbs." Thank goodness!! Boy, wouldn't that suck?? lol

    I love my Kari. More, even. And I don't care what you look like or weigh or the dust bunnies in your bank account (or under your bed.) You've done a LOT of growing (mentally, emotionally) this year. I'm so proud of you!! Give YOURSELF a break. Whatever goals you set, I have complete belief that you'll get there. Allow yourself to grow (or in this case shrink??) along with all of the other growing you're doing and you'll get there!! Love you!! xoxo

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    1. I tried five times to reply last night on my iPad and it would NOT cooperate.

      What I wanted to say was, size and weight are inconsequential to me with regard to anyone else. I'm truly trying not to beat myself up over this. I know that I am, like everyone, a work in progress. Sometimes, it just seems overwhelming to have to work so hard on my inside AND my outside. But, I'll get there eventually. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

      Love you, MORE!

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