Because I am desperately trying to live above and beyond the shame spiral in which I have dwelled for most of my life, I am about to share something with all of you. I am deeply disappointed in myself (which, I suppose, isn't much different being ashamed but I'll allow myself this, for now). I really truly HATE quantifying weight based on a number on a scale but, such is life, and I'm going to do it. I currently weigh 175 pounds. Thud. I am 5'6" (and, depending on the day, I'm told, 1/2, so I'll grant myself that as well). If I felt good, was healthy and fit clothes well at 175, I truly believe I'd be okay with it. But I, most definitely, do not. I not only look but FEEL overweight, for me.
I have gained at least 10 pounds since being back in New York, if not 15, and I am not pleased about it. I literally just tried on every pair of pants I own and put each pair that doesn't currently fit in my hall closet, which is good, in a way. I fully believe that I WILL fit into them again. I am not just going to sit around and bitch and moan and drown my sorrows in chips and chocolate the way I usually do. (Gee, sensing a pattern here? I sure am.) I despise exercise but I will figure out something I can tolerate, even if it's walking the chilly Long Island winter streets.
That is the key here. I am going to change something I can. Everyone, every last one of us, can put the Serenity Prayer into action in our daily lives and damn it, that is what I intend to do. It startles me how relevant those words are to each human being on the planet, whether one is in recovery of some sort or not.
So, despite my gloomy beginning, I want to end this post on an uplifting note. I CAN and WILL change my weight. I WILL fit into those pants again, if not a smaller size. I am not going to beat myself up about this (more than the little bit I already have, taunting myself aloud as each pair of pants went into the hall closet). I am going to CHANGE.
I feel lighter already.