Dear Me

Let me begin by saying that what you have overcome thus far in your life would be insurmountable for many. Even though you are often your own worst enemy, I want you to keep this in mind throughout this letter.

You are not your past.  Hell, you weren't even your past when you were living it.  Your self-perception has always been vastly different from the way other people perceive you.  You know this, first-hand, so stop judging yourself based on who you thought you once were.  Even if you had been that girl, you're not anymore.  It's okay, even vital, to let that go.

You are brave.  As I said, you have overcome many things in your life that would have taken down a weaker or less-determined person.  Be proud of that.  You know how to persevere, you do it every day.  Allow yourself time to revel in that, even if it is only for a moment or two, every once in a while.

You are kind.  You have always prided yourself on being kinder to others than they often are to you.  That is both a good and bad thing. Clearly, treating others well is a wonderful thing.  However, allowing others to treat you with less care and respect than you deserve is not. Likewise, treating yourself that way.

You are smart.  This, for some reason, is the one thing about yourself that you haven't often doubted but it's a real asset so it bears repeating. YOU...ARE...SMART.

You are worthy.  Yes, people define "worthiness" in different ways but regardless of the exact definition, you're it, girl.  You're worthy of kindness, respect and love.  Don't settle for any less.

Please try to remember these things.  Re-read this as often as necessary.  Hell, re-read it more often than necessary.  It can't hurt and it's far too easy for you to forget.

Lastly, don't try so hard.  In most areas, trying hard is a virtue and commendable.  Not so when you try too hard to make people love you.  If you have to work for your love, it isn't authentic and is therefore not worth troubling yourself over.  There are many who love you exactly as you are at this very moment.  This doesn't mean you shouldn't continue improving yourself every day but it does mean that love you have to beg for isn't worth having.

This is, perhaps, the most difficult thing for me to say but is probably the one thing you most need to hear.  I love you.  Truly, I do, and you deserve nothing less.

With everything good in my heart,
Kari

Closer

Darkness
so familiar
and treacherous
I know you are sorry
to see me go
but it is well past time
for us to part ways.
Light beckons
no longer elusive
but inching closer
with each passing day
resplendent with rainbows
and cloudless skies
calling my name.

Let's Begin

For a girl
far too familiar
with fear
fractured fantasies
and loneliness
there are few words
more beautiful
than a sincerely uttered
and deeply felt
hello.

Metamorphosis

It feels so strange
not to question
the change
but to simply
be grateful
it's here.
It is time
to believe
to embrace
to receive
and to be
who I am
without fear.

Pay it Forward

Sharing the following story at the request of my dear friend, Jenny, one of the most generous and selfless people I know on behalf of her friend, Anna Marie.  I am quoting the following from a Go Fund Me page and I am quite sure that this story will touch your heart as it did mine.

"On February 19th, 2014, my mom Constancia Cruz collapsed in Seoul International Airport while waiting for a flight home from the Philippines to California. She was immediately rushed to the local hospital and diagnosed with septic shock, a serious condition that severely impacted her vital organs. 

Her husband and my father, Pedro, headed to Korea to be with his beloved wife of nearly 50 years, and my 5 siblings and I also traveled to be by her side. Multiple treatments were administered - including cardiac bypass surgery, hemodialysis, and respiratory support. But after 76 arduous days in Intensive Care, our mother's health continued to deteriorate. And on April 28th at 2:19 pm, surrounded by my father and 2 siblings, she took her last breath.

Even with medical insurance coverage, nothing could have prepared our family for complications of international emergency care. After already paying $90,000 up front, of which only a fraction will be reimbursed, we still have to pay $157,000 to bring her body back home to the United States. We have contacted the U.S. Embassy, who told us they cannot help. In fact, numerous families have faced a similar scenario and were left no option but to leave their loved ones in foreign hospitals. 

We don't want this for my mom. As you can imagine, knowing she is at her desired final resting place would bring us closure and peace of mind.

To claim my mother's remains from the hospital, we have set a goal to raise $157,000, which is what we need to cover the bill. Audacious goal? Maybe. But one of the things I've learned from this experience is that people are truly kind and generous. We have felt the outpouring of love and support in so many ways. And it's in that spirit that I ask for your help. Even if you cannot make a donation, you can spread the word. Help bring our mom "home" this Mother's Day. 

With sincerest appreciation and thanks,

-Anna Marie on behalf of our family (Pedro, Andrea, Allan, Adrian, Amabelle, Amanda)"

If you have the means to assist, please consider it.  Even if you cannot afford to, just spreading the word and sharing this family's touching story will help.

Thank you!!

Here's the link where you can help:
http://www.gofundme.com/Bring-Mom-to-CA

Joy

The intensity
of joy
earned not found
cannot be measured
by any means
known to man
but can be felt
more deeply
than anyone
could imagine
at least
by me.

Four

Dear friend
the one I never knew
I was missing
thank you
for listening
without judgment
or reprimand
for clearing
the fog
and quieting
the noise
for knowing
exactly who I was
even when
I did not
and for holding
my hand and heart
and returning them
unbroken.

(My blog is four years old, today. Thanks for taking the ride with me.)