Baby, I'm Amazed

I wonder if it will ever stop surprising me when I find myself feeling happy for no apparent reason. It is such a strange and foreign experience but so fucking wonderful. It is my nature to suspect and question everything but I'm trying really hard not to analyze this and to just enjoy it.

Nine Months

Today marks the nine month anniversary of the day I decided that loving myself would no longer be optional.  It is the day that, for whatever reason, I discovered my Rosetta stone, the one thing that spoke to me louder and more clearly than years of therapy, good advice or even medication ever could.  It was the day that I plain and simply decided that I had had enough.  No more wishing to be anyone but me.  No more hoping and praying for answers that would never come.  No, it was time to take my quest for happiness into my own two humble hands and hold on to it for all I was worth.

Do I still have my dark moments?  Sadly, far more than I would like.  But I also see light, more than ever before.  I am grateful to be alive.  I cherish the support of those I love who, imagine this, love me back.  I have finally realized that I...am...enough.  Nine months ago, today, I would have never dreamed any of this was possible.  Now, I am bound and determined to keep moving forward and stop looking back.

So, congratulations, it's a girl and that girl is ME...well on my way to becoming who I was meant to be.

Why?

Unanswered questions
silently waiting
stealthily lurking
someplace I cannot
see or hear
but most definitely
can feel
taunting me
not just in my own mind
but on every plain of existence
teasing
laughing
daring me
to discover the answers
I may not ever
really want to find.

Truth

Life is beautiful.
Not always
but enough.

In Recovery

So, I've been thinking. (Rut roh.)  No, seriously, I've been reflecting for a while now on what constitutes "recovery". 

I've known many people addicted to some form of substance or destructive behavior. Some I count amongst my closest friends. Traditionally, it seems, a recovery date is defined as they day, upon which, someone chooses to stop partaking or engaging in that which has harmed them. It can usually be clearly delineated, "I stopped drinking, drugging, cutting, shoplifting, compulsively overeating, gambling, etc., on such and such date.". But, how does one "recover" from a mental illness? Specifically, how could I "recover" from depression? 

The answer is, I can't, any more than an alcoholic, now sober, can cease to be an alcoholic.  The key is to recovery is not simply or necessarily the cessation of a behavior but the decision to actively choose to rise above one's condition and behave accordingly.

Talk about an "aha moment" (with all due respect to Oprah). I will NEVER stop being a person living with depression. There is no remission, no cure. But, there IS recovery. I realize now that mine began on August 21, 2012, the day I decided that I would no longer be defined by my depression. It wasn't until today that I truly realized how much my life began to change on that very day. 

Do I still feel depressed? You bet your ass, I do. Do I sometimes feel hopeless, like I'm tempted to cash it all in? Sadly, absolutely. But, I haven't and I won't because I realized, on that day and every day since, that I am worth MORE. It struck me, for the very first time, that my depression does not have to be the focal point of my life. It was, in many ways, the first day I realized that it was not only okay to love myself but necessary. 

So, let it be known, from this day forward, that I, Kari Murphy, am in recovery and I am sure as hell not looking back.

More micropoetry. Why? Because I can.

Fires are burning
undaunted
and unafraid
tireless
and reckless
ferocious
and destructive
and I
can merely watch.

Waxing Poetic

So many tales to tell

of sorrow and fear

and I will

but right now

I am crafting a story

of triumph and strength.