Disposible

Flesh and bone
Not steel and stone
So afraid
To be alone.
Infinitely fragile
So easy to dispose
With each imagined slight
Insecurity grows.
Important for a day
Then oh-so easy to throw away.
Why the fuck
Must I feel this way?

Unworthy

I need
far more than I should.
All the love
in the whole wide world
will never be enough.
I am
so easy to forget
to leave behind
that it is a wonder
why I even try.
Heart wide open
eyes wide shut
waiting for the inevitable.
Goodbye
if I am lucky
but more often than not
just gone you are
me left behind
in the rubble
baffled as always
as to what happened
and why I am
alone again
wondering why
I do not deserve
for you to stay.

Rabbit Hole

Downward-spiraling
Deeper into the abyss
Story of my life

Jane

Peaceful earth angel
In awe of your dignity
Now and for always.

Sad Feels

Feeling stupid
and small
though I am bright
and quite tall
and I would much prefer
at this moment
to feel nothing
at all.

Heart Hurt

My heart hurts

as if all my years

of secret pain

have decided 

to reveal themselves 

at once.

Breathing feels hard

almost as if

it isn't worth the effort.

But I know 

that is my illness talking

trying to mask the truth

as it always does.

I hate this feeling.

It's as if I have

no control

over anything

including my own mind

and to a degree

that is true.

I want 

so much

to be unbroken

but despite 

all the tape and glue

I can never get 

my pieces

to fit together correctly.

I do not want to hurt

I do not want to cry

I do not want to want

and I certainly 

do not want to need

but I do.

I need you 

to stay with me

and hold my hand

and promise me

that everything will be okay

that I am okay

no matter how not okay 

I feel.

Please don't give up on me

I'm begging you

and me, too.

Transformation

Stagnant for so long

immovable
unchangeable.
I never
thought it possible
that I would ever
become who I am
let alone
actually find
that she is someone
I kinda sorta like.
Paralyzed
with fear
blinders
ever-present
so damn certain
that what everyone else had
and who they were
was so much fucking greater
than I would ever have
or be.
What a fool I was.
The transformation
took place
at a snail's pace
while simultaneously
in an eye-blink.
Seemingly impossible
but altogether true.
It will never be
something I can explain
and frankly
I do not even want to try.
All I know
is that it happened
it IS happening
every second
of every day
for the rest
of my life
and I am grateful
beyond words
that I did not leave
the party of life
too soon.

Bend

Time bends
but does not break.
I wish
I could say the same
about myself
but I am
far more fragile
and far less flexible.

Insomnia = #Micropoetry

I want to live
the life I see
through rose-colored glasses.


Inching towards my self
at a snail's pace or kid's crawl
soon, I will arrive.


You had best believe
that I am still becoming
everything and more.


Really want to sleep
alas, it's not happening.
Well-played, restless mind.

Answer

What is the answer
when everything goes wrong
and you find yourself
drowning on dry land?
What keeps your heart beating
your lungs breathing
your mind maybe believing?
Where do you look
when you forget where you begin
want to cash it in
engage in mortal sin?
Look within
the answer is you
and by you
I mean
me too.

Unstoppable

It's cute

the way you still think

you can still fool me

hold me back

make me feel small

alter the eyes through which

I see myself.

You enjoy 

that hollow supposed victory

your alleged triumph

while I smile

somewhere you will never see

knowing the truth.

You only had that power

when I lent it to you

and little do you know

I took it back

long ago

and you will never

ever

see it again.

Betrayal

Just when I thought
I was finally numb
I was struck dumb
by the agonizing pain
of your knife
stabbing me
in the back.