Truth

Life is beautiful.
Not always
but enough.

In Recovery

So, I've been thinking. (Rut roh.)  No, seriously, I've been reflecting for a while now on what constitutes "recovery". 

I've known many people addicted to some form of substance or destructive behavior. Some I count amongst my closest friends. Traditionally, it seems, a recovery date is defined as they day, upon which, someone chooses to stop partaking or engaging in that which has harmed them. It can usually be clearly delineated, "I stopped drinking, drugging, cutting, shoplifting, compulsively overeating, gambling, etc., on such and such date.". But, how does one "recover" from a mental illness? Specifically, how could I "recover" from depression? 

The answer is, I can't, any more than an alcoholic, now sober, can cease to be an alcoholic.  The key is to recovery is not simply or necessarily the cessation of a behavior but the decision to actively choose to rise above one's condition and behave accordingly.

Talk about an "aha moment" (with all due respect to Oprah). I will NEVER stop being a person living with depression. There is no remission, no cure. But, there IS recovery. I realize now that mine began on August 21, 2012, the day I decided that I would no longer be defined by my depression. It wasn't until today that I truly realized how much my life began to change on that very day. 

Do I still feel depressed? You bet your ass, I do. Do I sometimes feel hopeless, like I'm tempted to cash it all in? Sadly, absolutely. But, I haven't and I won't because I realized, on that day and every day since, that I am worth MORE. It struck me, for the very first time, that my depression does not have to be the focal point of my life. It was, in many ways, the first day I realized that it was not only okay to love myself but necessary. 

So, let it be known, from this day forward, that I, Kari Murphy, am in recovery and I am sure as hell not looking back.

More micropoetry. Why? Because I can.

Fires are burning
undaunted
and unafraid
tireless
and reckless
ferocious
and destructive
and I
can merely watch.

Waxing Poetic

So many tales to tell

of sorrow and fear

and I will

but right now

I am crafting a story

of triumph and strength.

Me

I cannot
and will not
be anything less
than exactly
who I am
but I can
always be
infinitely more.

Micropoetry

Thanks to my lovely friend, Nicole, I have been introduced to the amazing world of micropoetry.  Wikipedia defines micropoetry as follows:
"Micropoetry is a genre of poetic verse including twaiku (also known as twihaiku or twitter poetry) and captcha poetry, which is characterized by its extreme brevity."

For someone like me who wants (needs?) discipline to write on even a somewhat regular basis, this is perfect.  It only takes a few moments to write and it gets those old creative juices flowing.  Anyway, though I've only been tweeting my micropoems, so far, I thought, perhaps, that you, my lovely readers, would enjoy reading it as well.  Here's just a li'l taste for you.

Blue
2-12-13

The cloudless sky
endless and glorious
vibrant and light
so very different
from the blue
that is the color
of my soul

I hope you'll enjoy reading my poems as much as I enjoy writing them.  As always, thanks for listening.  It matters, truly.

Affirmations

I am a fucking mess.  This statement is not only true of me right now but most of the time, unfortunately.  However, every once in a while (more lately than in the past, thank God), a ray of sunlight peeks through the darkness and I find myself writing affirmations not only to "the world at large" but also to myself.  Here are a few I'd like to share with you.

Be absolutely nothing but your true self, always.  If others don't like that, it is their loss, I promise.

Alone might be very safe but it is also very cold.  I like having the warm blanket of contact, even if it's scary sometimes.

Keep putting good into the world, even if all it gets you is a kick in the head.  You will always be the better person.

I am way too smart to act this dumb.

Another day, another chance to get it right.

I need to learn that there will always be people who care about me and people who don't, cherish those who do and fuck the rest.

With these humble thoughts in your mind, I hope this day finds you a happier, healthier person than you were yesterday and well on your way to feeling even better tomorrow.

xo,
K