So Neglectful :(

Yep, I've been seriously neglecting this blog lately. Not that I've ever been writing on a regular basis but I've definitely been slacking and that's not good, considering that writing this blog is quite cathartic for me. If you're reading this, it means that you have at least a slight interest in me and the developments in my life so let me put it out there. Brian called unemployment on my birthday and found out that he would be receiving at least an additional six weeks of benefits, possibly as many as twenty, but they couldn't confirm any more than six at that time. So, as relieved as we were to know that we were not going to be thrown out on our proverbial asses for at least another month or so, we resumed the waiting game that has, sadly, become all too familiar for us. We waited and wondered and worried, as per usual, and were fortunate enough to find out several days later that we were, in fact, going to receive the entire twenty weeks. We are trying to be optimistic (which, if you know me at all, is so against my nature) that he will find work before then and he is, as always, applying everywhere and anywhere he can. No hits yet but we're not giving up. Though I still question why the universe feels that we still haven't learned all we should from our experiences of the past year and a half, I want so much to believe that the sun will emerge from the ever-present clouds in the near future. So, there you go. We will remain in Florida for at least the next four to five months, barring any unforeseen circumstances, we will continue to support each other, emotionally, as best we can and we will, ultimately, prevail. Did that sound convincing? ;)

The ABCs of Me

A. AGE:
38 (gasp)

B. Bed Size
queen

C. Chore I hate:
dusting

D. Day
Saturday

E. Essential start of your day:
potty break (what?)

F. Favorite Color:
sky blue

G. Gold or Silver?:
silver

H. Height:
5'7 ish

I. Instruments:
I used to play violin, viola, cello and piano. Now I play none. Sigh.

J. Job Title:
I'd say "domestic goddess" but since I really suck at domesticity and I am currently unemployed, I'll say "lump on the couch"

K. Kids
Yes, please. My clock is, most-definitely, ticking loudly.

L. Live
Sure. It sounds better than dying (most days).

M. Mom's name:
Kathleen

N. Nicknames
Punky, PKNY, Butterfly, Pokie, Kare Bear

O. Overnight stay at hospital:
Never. Does that make me boring? (No, Kari. Lots of other things make you boring.)

P. Pet Peeves:
People who mispronounce simple words. A library is not a fruit (liberry) and you cannot AKS me a question (but you can ASK me anything you'd like).

Q. Quote from a movie:
"A girl who gets all wrapped up in herself makes a pretty small package." - Desert Bloom
"Keep passing the open windows." - The Hotel New Hampshire

R. Right or left handed:
right on

S. Siblings
a younger brother - we're estranged

T. Time you wake up:
noonish, if I'm lucky

U. Underwear:
Yes, please.

V. Vegetable you hate:
Onions, unless they are really REALLY soft and caramelized (and that, in itself, is a BIG step for me)

W. What makes you late?:
mitigating factors like traffic or getting lost - I'm pretty OCD about being on time, if not early

X. Xrays you've had:
dental and lots of others, I'm sure, that I don't recall right now

Y. Yummy foods you can make:
eggs, baked goods

Z. Zoo:
Brevard Zoo is our local one. It has the BEST giraffe exhibit!

One Year and One Week

Sigh. Apparently I have now been blogging for one year and one week and I can't believe how far I haven't come in this past 372 days. I am still unemployed, as is my husband, though not by choice. I am still not pregnant. I am still struggling to make ends meet in my small one bedroom apartment. Not the strides I had hoped to make, needless to say. I really don't know what is keeping me from being happy. Yes, these past few years have been incredibly trying and difficult but I've never been happy. Even when things were, for all intents and purposes, easier in my life, happiness eluded me. I want so badly to stop believing that I am unhappy because that is my destiny. I want to think that happiness is just around the corner; if I just find that one missing piece, I will be a whole and content person. It goes against everything in my nature, of course, but I want so much to think that I am worthy of joy and peace in my life but I'll tell you, it is a constant struggle. I have fleeting moments of hope and I guess that's something but it's not good enough. It never has been, really, but now, more than ever, I don't want to settle for "well, today doesn't completely suck." Here I am, nine days from my 38th birthday, no better off than I was this time last year. Will my life ever get any better, who knows? I sure as hell hope so.

P.S. Since my second blog entry on 4/24/10, I have lost 20 pounds. I guess that's something.