Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Best Laid Plans?

So yeah, I had every intention of writing this blog on a semi-regular basis and I am not unaware of the glaring gap between my previous two entries. I would love to say that the reason I haven't been keeping up with it is because my life is so full of excitement and adventures and wonderful distractions. But of course, as you'll know if you've ever met me (and even if you haven't), that is, most definitely, not the case. I've never really been one to experience excitement and adventures. Though they sound wonderful in theory, I generally don't even miss their absence in my life. I appreciate the comfort and stability of regular everyday life. But for the past year plus, that's become increasingly difficult. I am a mess, I know this. I am 37, able-bodied, reasonably intelligent and, for lack of a better word, a complete slacker. For the past several years, there really hasn't been a good reason for me not to have a job or be out in the world doing "something", other than pure laziness. That's not entirely true, I suppose. My depression has made the simple act of getting out of bed quite the challenge at times. Still, I have been taking the easy way out for too long. Avoiding responsibility has been an ongoing theme throughout my entire life. I've let pretty much everyone around me make most of the major decisions in my life and, through years of self-analysis and the observations of others, come to realize that this is, at least in part, due to the fact that if the "wrong" decisions got made, I could blame others. This was never something I did consciously but it is still, nevertheless, true. I've always lived in fear - fear of failure, disappointment, what have you. I need to STOP doing this. But, of course, now I'm 37 years old, with NO idea of what I want to do with my life, career-wise. Even if I did, I'd have chosen a helluva time to figure this all out. Unemployment is at an astronomically high level in this country. Furthering my education, should that be my choice, is financially unfeasible. As usual, my timing sucks to high heavens. I'm just so mad at myself. I should never have let myself get into this position. However, I've wasted entirely too many years already on "would of, could of, should ofs". I need to stop making excuses and start figuring some shit out. I need to be sleeping at 1:28 am for a change. I need to shut up now.

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