Life and Stuff

Hey. I haven't written here in 109 million years but for some reason, today, I felt inspired. I think most of you know that this blog went sort of dormant in favor of my YouTube channel, not surprisingly, also called PerseveringStar. But my first love, always (other than the people I cherish and animals, of course), is writing.

Speaking (er, typing) of writing, I had a dream about a month or so ago about a character I am now deeply in love with. She is pieces of me, in some ways, and my complete opposite, in others. Her name is Eleni or Leni or Elle, depending on who's addressing her. (In her mind, she is Elle.) So far, I've written one short story about her and a piece of another. Eventually, my goal is to write an entire novel (or novella, at the very least) about her that I would LOVE to develop into a screenplay (my first). I know exactly NOTHING about writing for the screen (in spite of having taken a continuing ed class on the very subject shortly after getting my undergrad degree in creative writing and literature). All I really remember about the class is watching movies, in particular, Midnight Cowboy, which I dug, but that's beside the point. The point is, I'm super-enamored with Elle and I am loving the process of developing her story. I know a lot already, things that came to me in the original dream and one subsequent, but most of it hasn't been put on paper yet. But the basics of her journey are pretty-well sketched out in my mind. I'm loving the process of putting the pieces together in a totally haphazard way. It's completely different from how I've ever written before and it's super-exciting!

So, yeah, that's about it for now. I hope I've wet your whistle regarding this project. I will certainly continue writing poetry as well but I probably won't be sharing it here anymore. I think I've mentioned that already but in case I haven't, there you have it. I loved sharing my pieces here and on social media but the simple fact is, I will never be published if I keep putting my work out for free. And I do intend to get published, come hell or high water. I mean, Jesus, I'm forty-fucking-five already. I'm not getting any younger. And one of my biggest not-so-secret fears is being Emily Dickinson. Let me explain. Obviously, what writer wouldn't want to be Emily Dickinson? I just mean in terms of not having my writing known much or appreciated fully until after my death, that would suck. So, I have to get off my wide ass and start making things happen. Here's hoping.

Until next time...

Sally Hansen Insta-Dri and Miracle Gel Top Coat Review

*PRESS SAMPLES*

Hi, friends! Long time, no write! In case you are not aware, I've been spending a TON of time on my PerseveringStar YouTube channel (would love it if you'd check it out) and, clearly, not as much here on the blog. However, I received some awesome Sally Hansen polishes to review for you and I decided since it had been a while (and I do still want to keep PerseveringStar "the blog" in fine operating order), I decided to do so here. First, as always, the pics!

Here are the products featured in this post. From left to right: Sally Hansen Insta-Dri in Silver Stallion and Petal to the Metal and Sally Hansen Miracle Gel Color Filters Top Coat in Strobe.

On all but ring finger, two coats of PttM. On ring finger, two coats of SS.

Same as above with the addition of one coat of Strobe.

I have never made a secret of the fact that I LOVE Sally Hansen's signature wide brushes. They make application a breeze and definitely shorten the process. I found both of the Insta-Dri polishes not only fast drying but also very smooth and fairly opaque in two coats. I'm also VERY fond of Strobe. It is just one of a new series of "Color Filters" top coats that each offer a special effect to your nails. In this case, it is a metallic pink-y shimmer, and I LOVE it! I suspect the effect will be far more visible over cream polishes than they were over these already metallic/chrome-y shades and I will definitely share pics once I try it over such a shade. But even though the effect was subtle over these two particular shades, I got many compliments on this mani and even after a week, I have only minimal tip wear and chipping. I would highly recommend all three of these polishes. 

Check out Sally Hansen's website for store locators, pricing and any additional info you might need.

*The polishes reviewed in this post were provided for my honest review and consideration. As always, all opinions expressed are completely my own. 

What Makes Me Smile?

Rainbows and a bright blue sky.

No longer wanting to die

or feeling the need to cry.

Being a butterfly

with wings spread, ready to fly.

Not needing any particular reason why.

Going the extra mile.

Feeling all is right with the world for a little while.

Rocking mismatched clothes without any style.

Not feeling my mouth fill with bile.

Knowing that there is one man I enchant and beguile.

All this and more, my reasons to smile.

Press Release - Sally Hansen Big Polish Guards Cuticle Protectors

SALLY HANSEN BIG POLISH GUARDS CUTICLE PROTECTORS ($5.99) Polish slip-ups can happen but not with the Sally Hansen Big Polish Guards Cuticle Protectors. They’re the newest innovation in at-home manicures. Just wrap your cuticles, paint on color and then peel away any mishaps. This means each hand (yes, both) will get the same, flawless results. It’s really that simple. Big Polish Guards Cuticle Protectors give you the freedom to paint your nails at home, mess-free. Sally Hansen Big Polish Guards Cuticle Protectors slip on so you can paint your nails then peel away any mistakes. Find the super-flex guard that fits your nails to create a barrier and ensure a flawless polish line, every time. Formula & Benefits: Provides a perfect manicure for both hands, Salon precision at home, Super-flex guards that fit all nail shapes, No mess, no fuss, no polish clean up.

What do you guys think about this idea? Personally, I think it is BRILLIANT and I hope to get my hands on some to review very soon! 

Happy New Year, friends!

xo, 

K

I Am Nowhere Near My Last Bloom

For my writing group (which meets tomorrow night), it was my job to come up with the prompts for this week. I can't lie, they were not conjured from my imagination (as they usually are) but, rather, chosen after I googled "writing prompts". One of them was to choose the final line of a previous piece of writing or journal entry and to use that as the opening of the new piece. Suffice it to say, that's the prompt I chose. I ended a poem with the title of this one some time in 2014 and the line grabbed me now, as it did then. If you're curious, read on. If you enjoy what you read, I'd love it if you'd follow this blog (and join the HUGE group of roughly thirty like-minded folks who already have). If not, that's cool, too. 

I am nowhere near

my last bloom.

Fuck sorrow and fear.

There is no room for them

in my life anymore.

Of course

I am real.

I feel the pair. 

In my humble opinion

more than my fair share.

I cannot help but care

even about those

who do not deserve

my mind

my heart

my time.

I am not blind.

I recognize

when I am told lies

although sometimes

they take me by surprise.

I tend to trust

far too often

and for far too long

but damn it

this is not my swan song.

In spite of my open heart

and easily mislead mind

I find a way to get along.

Thank you

to those who love me

and thank you 

to those who lie.

Thank you

to those who support me

and thank you

to those who make me cry.

It is because of you

that I am strong

and know right from wrong.

This is not my swan song.

I am nowhere near

my last bloom

not when there is still 

so much room

to grow

and thrive

and be alive.

I Wrote a Thing

Taunting me
like a ghost
haunting me.
Memories
of years gone by
making me want to cry.
Fuck you
but also thank you
for pointing out
what is true.
The more bridges I burn
the more I learn
and my world once rocked
continues to turn.
I cannot forget
but I choose
not to regret
for I am stronger now.
My life is not over yet.
Trust misplaced
cannot be erased
but the knowledge gained
must be embraced.
Life is beauty and pain
loss and gain
sometimes a shit show
and sometimes exceedingly plain.
To those who have hurt me
you number many
but hatred for you?
I do not harbor any.
Catch and release
I unburden my heart
so the pain will cease.

Open Book

Wrote this piece for tonight's writing group. Took me about a minute. Still not sure if that's good or bad. The prompt I chose was "Open Book".

For so long
I lived in silence
afraid of how
my words and ideas
might be perceived.
I dwelled
in a shell
a hell
of my own making
just aching
to be believed.
But now
all that has changed
my philosophy
is rearranged.
Strange?
Perhaps.
But now you see
I am free.
My life
my soul
an open book
if only
you take the time
to look.

*THUD*

I just did something big, today. HUGE, in fact. I deleted my beauty blog. Not my first blog POST, mind you, the entire thing, the big kahuna.

On March 30, 2011, I launched my beauty blog, then called "Got Polish?", with the following post:

Hello, dear readers. Welcome to my new blog! Some of you may know, I write a blog entitled "Kari On" in which I discuss all of the day to day chaos, turmoil, drama and occasional beauty in my life. However, I've been posting polish pics and, in essence, polish blogging on my Facebook page for several months now and I thought that perhaps it was time for a blog devoted strictly to polish (thanks to my friend, Michelle, for the suggestion). I've loved polish since I was a little girl. However, my spark of interest was rekindled earlier this year (thanks to my friend, Destany, for pointing me in the direction of Zoya nail polish). I'm looking forward to relieving some of my near-constant stress and hopefully providing a little bit of information and fun to all who choose to read and/or follow this blog. Without further ado...

Presenting...Tallulah (forgive me, Tori Spelling, for bogarting the name of your children's book. I do *heart* me some Tori Spelling.)



Tallulah was my very first Zoya polish. If you know me at all, you know how much I adore all things blue. I chose Tallulah as one of my three free colors during Zoya's first Facebook promotion, in which you could choose three free colors and only pay $6.95 shipping. SUCH a great deal. Application was a DREAM and this is only ONE coat *gasp*. A Zoya love affair was born.

To those of you expecting "woe is me, Kari", trust me, she's not going anywhere, despite my best attempts to ditch her. However, she will be joined by "polish Kari" who is generally a hell of a lot more fun. Enjoy, won't you?

*Update 3-21-15
As I look back at this, my very first post, just NINE days before the four year anniversary of this blog, I have to add a very important codicil.  I now DESPISE Tori Spelling.  Like, with a fiery passion.

Okay, as you were.

As many (okay, some) of you may know, I stopped writing on that blog months ago, deciding instead to combine all of my loves into THIS very blog you're reading (I hope) right now, "PerseveringStar" (aka "the artist formerly known as 'Kari On'"). I've got to tell you, that blog gave me a lot of joy, a lot of free swag to review and a great deal of satisfaction, for a time. But that time, my friends, has passed. Like life, blogs evolve and sometimes become obsolete. That time has come for "Got Polish?" aka "Butterfly's Landing". Now is the time for "PerseveringStar", here on Blogger, on YouTube, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you get the drift. So I hope that eventually, some of the people who subbed to that blog (in all honesty, many did so years ago as a sort of "sub for sub" exchange when I was active in a nail polish-based Facebook group) might find their ways here. If not, I certainly hope that others will. You, my friends, the few, the cherished, who have already subscribed, mean the WORLD to me. Your support, friendship and encouragement are a large part of the reason I even continue with these cray cray (as the kids would say) endeavors o' mine. I love you. You matter, truly.

That being said, it's "see ya later" (I prefer not to use that more permanent "goodb.." word, ever) to my "beauty blog" and time to respark my love of (for? fuck if I've ever been good at grammar) "PerseveringStar", the blog. (I feel like I'm in Spaceballs, the movie. Hope at least a few of you get that reference.) So, please stay with me if you're already here, encourage like-minded friends with exceptional taste to join us and hang on to your asses. It's going to be one hell of a condensed yet simplified ride.

Much love,
K

Sally Hansen Miracle Gel Polish - Tipsy Gypsy and Carry On Blue - Spring Fling!

Hi, friends! Today I'd like to share my swatches and reviews of two GORGEOUS Sally Hansen Miracle Gel polishes, namely Tipsy Gypsy and Carry On Blue. First up, the swatches!

Bottle shots! The third is SH's Miracle Gel top coat, step two in their system.

Left hand! Two coats each of Carry on Blue and Tipsy Gypsy, alternating.

Right Hand, starting with Tipsy Gypsy on thumbnail.

You guys, these polishes are SO awesome! I'm a huge fan of their wide brushes which make application a breeze. I also adore both of these colors, which were nice and opaque in two quick coats. A quick top coat and I was off to the races rocking this fun spring mani that lasted at least four days before chipping. Honestly, I have yet to try a Sally Hansen Miracle Gel that I haven't loved!!

The products used in this post were provided free of charge for my honest review and consideration. As always, all opinions expressed are completely my own and unbiased.

Update

Hi, friends! I shared this on my other blog, Butterfly's Landing, and now I guess it's about time I share it here. Because Blogger makes it next to impossible (at least for me) to condense two blogs' content into one, I will henceforth be writing on this blog exclusively. Butterfly's Landing will remain for archival purposes but from now on, all poetry, stories, reviews, etc. (in other words EVERYthing) will be posted here. I hope you'll follow and share my journey.
Much love,
Kari

Food Stamps

I have made the decision to share this very personal piece of non-fiction writing not because I wear my shame with pride. And yes, I am deeply ashamed. I am sharing it because somehow, this letter that will probably never be sent (pointless) might help someone else realize that he or she is not alone. Though we suffer "invisible" illness, we, the mentally ill, deserve empathy and compassion and yes, when necessary, financial subsidies, to live the most effective possible lives. I am not on disability. The system has made it nearly impossible for mentally ill persons to be approved, certainly those without the means to afford legal representation. It's the classic Catch 22. I am currently receiving not one penny from the state, the federal government or anyone else. Food stamps were the only assistance I have ever received and several months ago, those were taken away, too. The following is completely true, my truth, my heartbreaking plea on deaf ears. I hope it helps you understand, just a little bit better, what I deal with every day of my life.
Thanks for reading,
K

To whom it may concern,

My name is Kari Murphy and I am writing to inquire as to why my SNAP benefits were arbitrarily taken away. At some point, without an interview, without asking me so much as one question or offering me an opportunity to explain my situation, you decided that I am an “able-bodied” person who has apparently “chosen” not to work. This couldn't be further from the truth.

I had one full-time job in my life, from 2000-2002, when my mental illness was clearly not nearly as severe and life-altering as it is now. I suffer from Pervasive Depressive Disorder and Anxiety and have been on medication and receiving therapy for both. I am mentally ill. I am not, by any means, “able-bodied” and my not being able to work is not a choice. I had my last job of any kind in 2007. I have not been able to work in ten years, TEN years, through no choice of my own. I attempted a part-time job in 2010 while still living in Florida and on the SNAP program, as a cashier at a Publix grocery store. I made it, by the skin of my teeth, through three days of training and a few hours of actual work before having to quit. Each of those four days began with hours of uncontrollable weeping and terror, begging my husband and the God of my understanding not to make me go. But I went, because I felt I had to, and spent each and every one of those minutes, hours and days while at “work” wishing I could run outside, across the parking lot into the four lanes of oncoming traffic because being dead seemed easier than continuing to pretend I was a normal healthy functioning human being.

I never made the CHOICE not to work. It is not my choice. I am very ill and in desperate need of financial assistance, which I was receiving for years through the SNAP food stamps program. I didn't get healthier. If anything, my conditions have continued to decline since my last job in 2007. I received benefits for years from SNAP because the agents of the Department of Social Services understood that I was sick and unable to work. I don't understand why this changed. I am not better. I never will be better. Mental illness cannot be cured. I am on medication and seeking therapy in an attempt to learn how to function more effectively in this world but for me, that will never include the ability to work a full-time job or perhaps even a part-time one. I don't understand why, without so much as a single question, my humanity has been disregarded and I was simply deemed “able-bodied” overnight.

It is my great shame that I am unable to work. It is anything but the “choice” of an “able-bodied” person. If I had my choice, I would be healthy and working and not constantly plagued by my illness. But it isn't my choice. I thought that the very purpose of the SNAP program was to help people in desperate need, of which I am one. None of this is my choice. I wish that you would understand this. Ask my doctor, ask my therapist, they would be happy to further explain if given the opportunity. Stop judging me based on a serious lack of information. Understand my need, my illness, my desperation. I am a person, yes, but by no means “able-bodied”.

Thank you for your consideration,

Kari Murphy

Namesake

RIP, Carrie Fisher
12-27-16

You and I

share a name

though not

spelled the same

but still an honor

I can claim.

Gone

far too soon

I gaze

at the moon

and wonder

who to blame.

Your spirit

your light

made the world

seem bright

in spite of

my shame.

You taught me

to be brave

to occasionally

misbehave

and now my life

will never

be the same.

Warrior princess

damaged goods

did you ever

think you could

win

at life's game?

That your courage

and your heart

and your being

incredibly smart

made this world

one you could claim?

Though this was

your final day

in my heart

you will stay

and your legacy

will guide my way.

Illusions

People look at her

and say, "Wow, you're so strong"

while she dies inside

knowing they couldn't be

more fucking wrong.

The Difference

This prompt was chosen as my last homework assignment for this five-week creative writing workshop (damn, it went by fast). I don't generally write "essay-type" pieces for class but thought this one might be worth sharing. Enjoy!

So, looking at these prompts, the obvious first choice for me was “The Mistake”. Lord knows, I've made many. TONS. But, that isn't where I'm going today. First of all, mistakes can often be considered “happy accidents” in the long run. If everything in my life hadn't happened exactly the way it did, where would I be right now? Better off in some ways? Wealthy, living in my own home, a mother? Perhaps. But would those things, deemed “successes” by who the fuck knows, really be what is best for me? I try, more each day, to live in gratitude. Gratitude for what I have and gratitude for who I am. I am relatively healthy. My limbs all function properly, as do my senses. My heart is big and it is whole and it is filled with love for others and the love they so freely give to me, even when I feel unworthy of it. I have a wonderful husband and mother, two amazing pussycats, countless friends who are truly here for me in times of struggle as well as triumph. I may not have all the material things I wish for. I certainly don't have the peace of mind I strive for every day. But, overall, things could be FAR worse and sometimes, that just has to be enough. So no more reliving so-called “mistakes”. It is harmful and ultimately, pointless. What's done is done and all I or anyone else can do is move forward from here with a clear head, open eyes and a loving heart. One day at a time does not just apply to alcoholics, it applies to all in recovery from whatever one's particular struggle may be. Mine happens to be depression. What's yours? Think about it. Embrace the mantra. You don't have to be all things to all people at all times. You only have to be the best possible version of yourself as often as you can. Sounds a little less daunting now, doesn't it?

This essay wasn't meant to be about imparting lessons. Hell, who am I to give anyone advice? You know what, I am me. I am just as worthy of advice-giving as anyone else. And ultimately, as always, I'm writing this mostly to myself. I don't even like the word “mistake”. I'm going to do my best to strike it from my vocabulary. Blaming others and especially blaming oneself really doesn't get one anywhere. Life is entirely too short. So that's it, no more mistakes. Happy accidents. My perspective is constantly changing but the moral of this story is that I no longer wish to live in a world of finger-pointing and blame. Love is where it's at. Love for others and love for myself. And trust me, that has made all the difference.

Disposible

Flesh and bone
Not steel and stone
So afraid
To be alone.
Infinitely fragile
So easy to dispose
With each imagined slight
Insecurity grows.
Important for a day
Then oh-so easy to throw away.
Why the fuck
Must I feel this way?

Unworthy

I need
far more than I should.
All the love
in the whole wide world
will never be enough.
I am
so easy to forget
to leave behind
that it is a wonder
why I even try.
Heart wide open
eyes wide shut
waiting for the inevitable.
Goodbye
if I am lucky
but more often than not
just gone you are
me left behind
in the rubble
baffled as always
as to what happened
and why I am
alone again
wondering why
I do not deserve
for you to stay.

Rabbit Hole

Downward-spiraling
Deeper into the abyss
Story of my life

Jane

Peaceful earth angel
In awe of your dignity
Now and for always.

Sad Feels

Feeling stupid
and small
though I am bright
and quite tall
and I would much prefer
at this moment
to feel nothing
at all.

Heart Hurt

My heart hurts

as if all my years

of secret pain

have decided 

to reveal themselves 

at once.

Breathing feels hard

almost as if

it isn't worth the effort.

But I know 

that is my illness talking

trying to mask the truth

as it always does.

I hate this feeling.

It's as if I have

no control

over anything

including my own mind

and to a degree

that is true.

I want 

so much

to be unbroken

but despite 

all the tape and glue

I can never get 

my pieces

to fit together correctly.

I do not want to hurt

I do not want to cry

I do not want to want

and I certainly 

do not want to need

but I do.

I need you 

to stay with me

and hold my hand

and promise me

that everything will be okay

that I am okay

no matter how not okay 

I feel.

Please don't give up on me

I'm begging you

and me, too.